Saturday, February 6, 2010

Snowed In ...


Warmhearted
Originally uploaded by mattsaxey

The idea of having nowhere to go and the only company being me would have been a very anxiety-producing prospect in the past. Today, after 18 inches or more of snow piled up, I embraced the idea of a cozy winter shack-up with just me, myself, and I.

I made an intention today to work with the question from my healing yesterday: "How can I be valuable to me?" There was not a more perfect playing field, so to speak, than being indoors for the better portion of a full day with myself to live in the answer to that question.

The ways I valued myself today included:
- sleeping in and giving myself ample rest
- making a nutritious breakfast and my favorite coffee
- letting myself have fun and work at a leisurely pace to grade my students' papers and to work on curricula for the week, even sending them humorous emails
- talking to people that I love -- conversations that were meaningful and genuine and not forced or out of obligation
- listening to a Tara Brach podcast
- reading
- making tunafish salad the way my mom used to
- changing my bed linens so I could curl up tonight in clean, fresh sheets
- having an enjoyable steamy shower
- making a great dinner (artichoke ravioli tossed with carmelized onion and garlic in olive oil)
- making time to write and relax as I settle down for the evening

With each task or action I took today, I really listened to myself and my wants and needs before moving too quickly. It felt honoring. There was not one moment today that I didn't enjoy in my own company. This is huge for me. While I have lived alone for quite some time, it has often been frought with anxiety, self-deprecating thoughts, periods of loneliness and self-pity.

In the podcast I listened to today, the timing - as always- was just perfect. It was about freedom. Her opening statement was: "Freedom comes from seeing the truth of oneself and others through the veil." She went on to talk about how the "mask" we're identified with or that we identify others with does not allow us to really see ourselves or them. And that true "seeing" happens in this 3-fold way, based on the teachings of Buddha:
- seeing humanity through compassion
- seeing beauty and goodness through love
- seeing being-ness through present awareness

When I am not "in my story" or hiding behind any kind of "mask", I am very aware that I can and do practice those 3 ways of seeing. And I also recognize how easy it is to get side-tracked, to go into trance, to get in my own way, and to lose sight of my own true nature and that of others. Listening to this today made me think about what happens for me sometimes when I attend AA meetings, as an example. When I am caught up in my story and inauthentic identity, I don't see others' humanity with compassion and instead look at them through the lens of judgment, irritation. I miss the beauty and goodness that is right in front of me, sometimes simply "missing" people period. And, in this state, I do not have present awareness, as I'm operating on auto-pilot, and I do not experience others' being-ness. Sometimes I "check out", daydream, perhaps even dissociate. Last evening, on the other hand, at the meeting where I shared my story, I had a completely opposite experience. I was able to take in some members' painful shares, seeing their place of suffering with a compassionate heart. Every person to me looked beautiful, I felt their goodness -- even guys who I wouldn't normally give the time of day to because I would have a judgment about their appearance or character and this simply fell away. I was very present, so seeing the "being-ness" in the room was palpable, tangible AND it was also something that could not be expressed in words -- like personal and impersonal. This is a practice that I'd really like to adopt on a regular basis.

I am really savoring this time with me and this day. I have such gratitude for the shift I've experienced as a result of sitting in all the muck and mire of unworthiness. It is never pleasant while in the midst of it and I have to always remind myself that to stick with it and fight the urge to run from it will always be worth it. Perhaps now I will re-phrase that to say: "I am always worth it."

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