Another look at worthiness ...

Stay away from me weirdo !!
Originally uploaded by AmmarQ8.com
In my morning meeting today, a woman who I've come to know and respect shared an aspect of her history today that I was not aware of;  this piece of information, while painful for her, brought me great comfort and a different look at the old message of "I am not worth it."

She shared that today was the 20th birthday of the son that she gave away for adoption when she was 16 years old. And how she thinks of him and how hard it is at this particular anniversary to not be celebrating with him. She is aware that this was ultimately the best decision for him. She also knows that something worse could've occurred had she kept him, given the course of her drinking and drugging and the likelihood that he would have been removed from her as a result. Tearfully, she shared that she hopes he is happy in his life and that he's been well taken care of. She has a wish that she will get to reunite with him one day.

As I watched her intently as she shared this poignant story, my heart softened and expanded and warmed toward her and toward myself. And it was both personal and impersonal. I could feel the compassion and tenderness for her, for my biological mother, and for all mothers who come to this pivotal, heart-breaking decision. To allow a child to develop and grow and be nurtured inside of your body and, once they've been brought out of the womb, through the birth canal and into the world, to let them go and set them free and trust that this product of your flesh and blood and genes will be taken care of by another being, not connected to them at all in the way you were but who will raise them, hopefully, as if that didn't matter.

And as I've allowed all of this to swirl about in me over the past few hours, I've experienced a shift in this very old belief of my small, small self of "I am not worth it." To take another look today, through the eyes of a mother who came to this decision, enabled me to see the loving intention and the incredible value and worth in how that child is regarded in order to make a choice that is in the child's best interest. I was never able to truly look at my adoption in this way. My view about what transpired was from the place of my very hurt little one, whose mind only had the capacity to see this act as one in which she was given up on, given away, discarded, abandoned. The decision of my biological mother was never fully taken into account. It became all about me, from my "Woe is me" identity.

It feels so free-ing to be able to give voice to this and to really see with clearer eyes the WHOLE picture. What a gift from G-d to have this woman share today and to be a witness to her story.

I have been able to step away from this meeting today and hold, for the first time, a different message about my entrance into the world: "I was worth it." I was worth the carrying for 9 months, for the pain endured to bring me out of the womb, for ensuring that I would have the chance at a better life than perhaps I would have if I remained, and that I was worth letting go and entrusted to be cared for by other beings on this earth. This insight today is no longer from the 9 year old's place when she found out she was adopted and had to make it "special" in order to bear the shattering. Today, this insight is from a 47 year old adult who is willing to understand and have tenderness for the whole picture about her entrance into the world, no longer from a wounded story, just from the truth.

I am worth it.