Monday, January 18, 2010

Facing unmanageability ...


Chaos
Originally uploaded by nickwheeleroz

Many AA's as they are approaching their anniversary time often remark about how the conditions that brought them into the rooms in the 1st place show up at this time. It was 1 yr ago this week that I returned to AA, after a 16.5 yr absence. One of the major "conditions" that was up for me at that time was financial turmoil, specifically 2 years worth of major tax debt. As I approach this anniversary time, this condition is indeed here. Not to the extent it was a year ago, but a pattern being repeated nonetheless.

This issue was front and center for me when I sat down this morning to do a particular practice from my Kabbalistic work that is called the MAGI process. It is not as important to go into the details of what it is but rather to capture what it reveals.

What led me to working with this issue of finances at this time were the following thoughts/statements:
- robbing from Peter to pay Paul
- self-deception
- tricking myself
- wanting to live comfortably
- living beyond my means
- resistance
- believing it will magically go away
- justifying, rationalizing
- But I pay all of my monthly bills, aren't I decent ?
- bargaining
- all will be taken care of, don't worry and, the converse ...
- lack, scarcity, "not enough"  can be scary,  so hold on to what you got

Chest tightens.  Lump in throat.  Shaky.  Punch in lower gut.  Breathing rapid.  

The reality is that I have accumulated more financial issues. Not major, but not paid off either. In being responsible for my health, I got a number of tests and my mammogram, etc... My insurance doesn't cover all of this, so I have a number of unpaid hospital co-pays looming. My 2007 city tax bill was "missed" in last yr's clean up and I have a large bill awaiting to be paid, with penalities and interest. I only made half of what I normally do during the month of December and am now just above water. Lastly, when I had my clutch replaced and then had to pay another garage for the 1st garage's botched work, I tapped out a huge chunk of my savings for my last quarter's taxes. I feel like I just made a confession to a financial priest !

So, in this MAGI process, the statement that arose for me to work with is as follows: "I want to be responsible, honest, and in integrity managing my finances/bills/taxes, accepting that what I have is enough and the wisdom to know what I can't afford." (has a little Serenity prayer edge to it, I realize)

And then there are 38 statements which you work with, 1 at a time, from this issue/problem. To really sit with each statement is very powerful, sometimes anxiety-producing, and, quite illuminating.

What arose for me during this exercise:
- I did not, in fact, respect the "danger" of letting certain financial matters go unattended and repeated a pattern
- "Getting away with"  is no longer a viable option.
- the fact that my mother always tried to model budgeting and good money management and she's always been the "bail out" person for all of us. There is much to learn from her and her thriftiness.
- my impulsivity about plans and what "feels good" in the moment has to be balanced out with wisdom and responsible behavior
- my dog is a reminder that I am a responsible parent/adult. I neglected her dental care for quite awhile until this past yr because of not wanting such a big expense. My own teeth are in need of care and repair and I find myself doing the same thing ... this needs to be a priority. It doesn't disappear and I can't wish it away.
- SELFISHNESS
- If only I could have ... If I just do ... If I could make ... unfinished sentences that hang in mid-air.
- I need to talk to my enemies again. Shake hands with the collectors and tax agencies and accountants.
- it takes diligence and commitment and responsibility to truly be debt-free; it is not something given.
- I can actually be content and even happy with very little.
- To withhold from those I owe is not being useful to G-d or my fellows. It is greedy and selfish.
- I will not be saved by my Goddess cards or my tarot deck or rubbing stones. It is honest work in real time with real people.
- Stop figuring out and scheming.
- Touch the ground often, that is where G-d is. Don't pray for money, pray for the courage to do the next right thing.
- I help the world experience goodness and safety when I am honest and responsible with my finances. People's jobs, their livelihood and their businesses depend on me for this.

I feel naked yet not ashamed.

I return to Step 1.

I ask for G-d's help.

And eat humble pie for awhile.

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