Monday, January 4, 2010

My Avatar ...




I saw the movie, Avatar, yesterday. It was one of the most impactful movies I have seen in a very long time. The dilemma of its main character brought up some hidden aspects of myself, as evidenced by a graphic dream and key awarenesses that followed in my waking state in the early hours of this morning.

The literal, Sanskrit, definition of Avatar is "descent of a being from Heaven". There is a deeply spiritual component to the Avatar characters in this movie that I absolutely related and was drawn to. The dilemma of the movie's main character, however, is what had the more significant impact in the long run for me. He had to wrestle with aspects of his darker self first, which eventually allowed him to see and experience the fullness of himself in light. His God-self through his Avatar.

In the wee hours of this morning, I had a disturbing dream. I was vomiting and it felt endless. It looked and had the consistency of Rice-a-Roni and was not able to propel through me. It was dry and it felt stuck. When I finally had the sensation of choking, I forced myself to wake out of the dream. I sat straight up in my bed, panting and soaked with sweat.

I laid awake and let myself take in the dream fully. The thoughts that continued to come up for me was about having ugly, messy things inside of me and not having a place to literally "come up". That they were stuck. I hadn't given them a place to exist. I sat more with this. This is where, sub-consciously, the segments of the movie enter in. There is a dark, shadow side of me that resides here, pushed far far down most of the time. If she had an age of first coming into being, I would say "16". She is rebellious. When life gets too hard, she wants to run. She wants to defy. She is the one who took the first sips of alcohol and liked it. Underneath this tough exterior, she is incredibly fearful. Not the kind of terror experienced by my little one. But the kind of scared that involves not trusting herself. Not believing she has what it takes. Not being capable of bearing the reality of life. I have certainly known about her and written extensively in the early months of this blog about her actions. Particularly in the areas of drinking, stealing, dishonesty.
I believe she's surfaced, in the form of this very vivid dream, because she too rightfully needs a place to be attended to. I have given a great deal of my adult nurturing to my little one. It was her voice, primarily, that was heard when I worked through the issues about my relationship with my mother and with my father. My shadow self needs to be able to live in the light of day.

The other awareness that I came to me, after going back to sleep for awhile and arising in such a different space, is that when I have come face-to-face in my adult self with the realities of life as of late, I haven't given this shadow self any breathing room to be here. This is an aspect of myself that I've wanted to smother and push out. She scares me in what I know she's been capable of in the past, particularly drinking. She has a nasty streak. She pushes people out of her life without a blink, like flicking off a mosquito then squashing it with her foot. To be in contact with this aspect of myself, is to then go underneath where her roots are and soften to the fearfulness that drives her. Just typing this out, I am washed over with such emotion, compassion, tenderness.

I could not have really seen my shadow self for who she is if I hadn't also had the experience of what it is like, just as the main character of the movie, to be in my full light, my Avatar. The part of me that is infinite and whose essence is always present, even when these other scared and angry aspects of me are acting out. My God-self was present as a little girl who was so moved by Christmas music. And the slightly older girl who took delight in running the bases on the softball field. And then, my Avatar was tossed into a closet. Because my shadow self was not able to make room for any light. And this continued into another decade, sloshing around in alcohol.

In the Big Book, the stories of those who arrive to AA are quite similar to what I have shared here. There is this essence of "goodness" that is always present and it gets tainted and stained when alcohol is introduced as a way of numbing and erasing pain. The shadow self is a construct that we create in order to survive the reality of life that we believe we cannot bear or tolerate. To be in touch with our vulnerable, fearful selves is to also touch the edges of ourselves that long for wholeness, for connection with G-d.

The tears are streaming down my face as I reach this moment of awareness. I am brought straight to my knees.

My shadow self and my avatar can now both live here in light.

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