Reflecting on 1 year ...

Thankful
Originally uploaded by Fort Photo
Tonight I was asked to share my story at an AA meeting that is the same location as the Big Book meeting I attend on Monday nights. By no coincidence, this is my 1 year anniversary of returning to the rooms of AA. And that is how I opened up my story.

About 45 minutes before leaving for this meeting, I sat quietly and reflected on what is here. Thinking about the issues with money that I have been writing about as well as the progress I've been able to make in terms of recovery since last January. All of it significant.
I brought my Big Book with me, as I wanted to read my favorite passage from the story "Acceptance was the Answer". Other than that, it would be whatever arose and what needed to have a voice.

As I watched people come in, I was totally surprised to see 6 people from my home group which happens to be on Wednesday nights! It was like seeing family in a place you didn't expect them to be at. And then there were the regulars from the Mon night Big Book. A completely warm and welcoming room.

I did not share a single drunken story. What was more important were the "conditions" that I used alcohol to desecrate and destroy. I spoke about the distinct "stages" of where some of these "isms" originated, based on what I've been writing about here. The shattering at 9 years old about being adopted and the subsequent fears of abandonment, not having a sense of belonging. The rebellious 16 year old and the association of the early origins of using alcohol and wanting to numb, kill off and cut out anything that was too painful. And then my putting down the booze on that fateful and grateful Labor Day weekend 20 years ago and how I knew I was beaten down and far too terrified of winding up like my dad. I spoke of not working a program, dodging people, having the arrogance to believe I "graduated" from AA after group therapy and how this not having a sense of belonging from the time I was 9 reared its ugly head. How separating myself and isolating hurt me far more than the fact that I didn't pick up a drink. And without a program or a fellowship or a sponsor, the conditions at the bottom of the beer bottle were still very much alive and had fertile ground. I spoke of repeating the same pattern I watched in my own alcoholic family with my then partner. And my acting out -- in particular, my issues with money that were right here. And that these very issues were at the forefront when I came back to AA and even after a year of working a really good program, they are coming back around. I spoke of progress not perfection and how the Steps are not linear, but sometimes circular and sometimes like a ping pong ball -- we get bounced back and forth from one to another, depending on what we need to work on and what is here. I shared that I was deeply grateful to have the willingness and the courage to want to face these conditions that have been underground and part of my alcoholism; this is one of the gifts of the program. And that I count on the fellowship and those who've walked these steps before me with the hope that I too can offer this hope to those who come after me.

Each person's share afterwards touched me deeply in different ways, for different reasons. The person's share that impacted me the most is a man I see regularly whose honesty inspires me all the time. He said this (I'm paraphrasing) : " What I liked most about your message is that you didn't try to sell us or fool us that you have arrived to a solution. That even though you're going to meetings regularly and reading the literature and have a sponsor now, shit is still happening and you are dealing with it as part of your program. It's this kind of strength that gives me hope. Just because we don't drink, doesn't mean we got this all figured out." This touched me because he acknowledged my humanness. My imperfections. And that within both of these qualities are strength and hope. What I am working with right now in terms of money issues is not a reason to take a drink. Nor is it something that can be denied or ignored either. It is what is here for me and I have the incredible opportunity through my program and my Kabbalistic work to face it with grace.

On the 3rd Wed of the month, which was tonight, this meeting celebrates the anniversaries of its members and has cake afterwards. It was such a joy to hang out with folks and to meet some people for the first time and to hear how something I shared touched them in some way. One older man came up to me and said: "I remember you from the ______ mtg back in the day. You used to wear baseball caps and sit in the back." Yes, indeedy. And I thought I was doing such a good job of hiding. I gave him the hugest hug in appreciation for simply welcoming me back after all this time.

As I drove home under the clear, moonlit sky, I was rejuvenated. The heaviness of the load that I have been working with this week was lifted for a bit. It no longer felt so huge or so unmanageable that it could not be dealt with, 1 step and 1 day at a time. This has been an incredible, miraculous, life-affirming year. I have a place where I belong. I am connected to family -- both my immediate and these lovely souls that comprise the AA fellowship and my IKH community. I am not nearly as fearful as I used to be. I have more of myself now than I ever had before. I can speak more directly. I am rigorously honest. I talk with G-d all the time. My spiritual life is rich and has deepened. I know that anything and everything is possible and that I can also be in the place of complete unknown. I am better than I used to be and there is so much more that I am becoming.

And I will keep coming back. It works if you work it.