Saturday, January 9, 2010

Navigating with my recovery GPS


Vintage C-GPS (Celestial Global Positioning System)
Originally uploaded by Professor Quentin Ziplash

In this morning's meeting, the topic of discussion began with the chariperson using the analogy of how when we get into a car that has a GPS, we are "trusting" that we will arrive at our desired destination. And that, when we trust in G-d on our path of recovery, we will also arrive at where we want to be. A clever member of our group re-named GPS to stand for: "God's Positioning System".

A wonderful discussion ensued after this topic was introduced. One member spoke about how if you let go of the wheel of the car, its trajectory is not in a straight line. You make adjustments and corrections with the steering wheel so that you can remain safely on the road. It is true of our recovery process. If we veer off our desired path, we make certain adjustments in order to get back on the path. That may mean if we've not been going to meetings regularly, that we get to them more consistently. If we've not called our sponsor in awhile, we make a commitment to have better contact. If we're not working our Steps, then a return to them is in order.

My "takeaway" message from the topic of this meeting was about trusting I will be guided in the right direction and in the right path and that I didn't have to worry so much about how I will get there, how fast or even when. Also, that if I do go astray, I will have landmarks that will clue me in to where I need to be headed. And I experienced a version of this in an experience at my gym when I went for a late afternoon swim today.

As I entered the pool area, I noticed it was crowded. Both lap lanes were occupied and the more open area of the pool had 2 other people (the max is 3). I asked these 2 swimmers if it would be alright to share this space and they nodded it was fine. A little while after getting in, another woman entered the pool area. She jumped into our section immediately, exceeding the number permitted and taking up more space than the rest of us. I felt my feathers ruffle and breathed into it. Then, a lap lane came open, and it is the "unspoken rule" that it is offered to who was in our section of the pool first. That would've been the older gentleman who was walking with weights and seemed to be doing his P.T. in the pool. Instead, the woman who abruptly entered our section last, quickly swam underneath the ropes to claim the lap lane. We all looked at one another in disbelief. Again, the irritation rose and I told myself quietly "Trust what is to be here", remembering the morning meeting's discussion on the GPS. The older man got out of the pool and it was just myself and another woman, shortly after a 3rd person entered our section and it was crammed again. As I paused at one end of the pool, a woman occupying the other lap lane paused at that end too. We looked at one another in recognition from this morning's meeting ! She graciously offered me her lap lane, stating that she was tired out and it was simply "the right thing to do" given the crowd at the pool. I was so touched by her gesture. I gleefully swam my laps in deep gratitude for what just occurred. As I began to tire a bit, I caught out of the corner of my eye -- a woman who was sitting on the bench awaiting to get a spot in the pool. It was now my turn to offer what was so freely given to me. I gestured to her and the frown on her face quickly turned to a smile of relief. It felt so genuinely good to do this from a place of just wanting to give for the sake of giving, not from a place of guilt or accommodating.

As I got out of the pool, I noticed there were no towels. Then, the woman from my AA meeting emerged from the jacuzzi and said to me: "Oh, I grabbed the last towel for you when I got mine. It's right over there on the chair." Unbelievable thoughtfulness.

In the past, had I encountered a potentially frustrating situation like this one at the pool, I would've likely handled things very differently. I would've tried to control things, to get my way OR I would've sulked, became disgusted and resentful and perhaps even left the gym. Part of trusting in the GPS, as it was spoken about in the meeting, is that whereever you end up, is where you're supposed to be. It's not a critique of the bumps on the road or the fact that you took a left, when you were sure it was supposed to be a right. And that when there's discomfort or perhaps fear or frustration about the trip or about possibly getting lost, you can trust on a familiar landmark or rest stop along the way. For me, that woman from this morning's meeting in the pool was a calming pit stop, enabling me to slow down and get my bearings. It was smooth sailing after our encounter.

When we are actively in our addictions or even when we are not but are out of control because we believe our self-will knows the best route to go, we will inevitably crash into something - literally or figuratively. In the worst case scenarios, some folks die or kill others and then go to prison. In other situations, we total a car or experience an injury that may make us think twice about our actions in the future. Sometimes, it's that we've come up against some kind of barrier and to keep trying to go through it or over it is a dead-end. Sometimes we'll even speed up to get to where we think we should be headed as fast as possible. No matter the case, when self-will is in the driver's seat, we will wind up being lost, no sense of true direction.

I can feel my relationship more tangibly now to the concept of the GPS and what occurs when I do not trust in the process, in the unfolding of life. Certain realities will knock me off my base, my center. The "machine" in operation that is me might go off onto the shoulder of the road, catching me off guard. It can be startling, even jolting. And that is when I need to turn off the engine. Stop. Pray. Ask for direction. Ask for guidance. Practicing the Steps and working my program is the map. The members of the fellowship are the landmarks along the way. Putting everything into G-d's hands is trusting that I can relax behind the wheel and let my recovery GPS get me to where I need to be.

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