There is a Solution

Storm Surf: Of Man and Nature
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"When you know you are the ocean, you are not afraid of the waves."
~ Tara Brach

2 days of the MAGI process and a decision to once again face the reality of my money problems and I am sucked directly into the undertow. One of my unpaid hospital bills is now approaching collection. A less-than-understanding person on the other end of the phone warned me of the matter being given to a lawyer. I hear the 2nd line of the MAGI process: "Admit to danger." A check was written and mailed out early this afternoon. As a result, I had to come "clean" with my healer and cancel our session this week. The money designated for the healing was now gone. Robbing Peter to pay Paul is no longer a viable option.

At my AA meeting tonight, we read: "There is a Solution" from the Big Book. If there was ever a time I really needed to hear this, tonight was it.

"Sickies in front. Shut up and Listen." This is exactly what I did.

Whenever it was applicable during the reading, I substituted the word "money" for alcohol. This was powerful for me. More continues to be revealed. One piece that came to light for me is this:
when I am in a position of having plenty of money (or the illusion that I do), I actually experience a "high". I thought about how I feel when I see a wad of twenties in my wallet. Not unlike how I felt when my fridge was stocked with beer. Or what it feels like to drive to stores where I know I'm going to freely make purchases without a care or worry. There's a "rush" , an exhuberance, a thrill. And, just as the alcoholic who is trying to "control" their drinking or making an attempt to quit, when I am being watchful of spending or when I understand, like now, that I cannot spend like I have been and don't have the money, I become restless, irritable and discontent. I actually feel "itchy". In the past couple days, I've driven by the coffeeshop or the bookstore or other places where I like to buy things and I get the same kind of urge and "craving" that I did when I first got sober and would go by my favorite dive bars or liquor stores.
My relationship with money is like my relationship with alcohol: it is not normal and it is unhealthy for me when I abuse my privilege of having it.

Here's the lines that really hit home with me tonight: "Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are baffled a lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday they will beat the game." Wow.
This describes quite accurately both my alcoholic behavior and my money problem. I can rationalize a zillion reasons for spending and why and how I have this piece of work coming in that will cover this bill that is not paid ... this is indeed a game I play with myself, to not take in the totality of what I owe or how I am spending. I sometimes put certain bills, like the hospital co-pays, facing downward in the checkbook, so as to "trick" myself and not have to actually look at them! And, as stated above, "once the malady has a real hold ..." -- there's this "no turning back" place I get to where I am just on a roll with either ignoring bills I don't deem important or urgent OR with freely spending, like going out for meals, coffee and I completely lose sight of the big picture.

And now that I am regularly attending meetings, doing my healing practice regularly, there is a gnawing inside that I can no longer push away or ignore. It is the turbulence of the waves of my interior, the pull that you feel at your feet when a big one is coming and is going to crash and do some destruction. It is no coincidence that I've been working with the Tara Brach quote at the beginning of this entry; the piece that requires my greatest attention is to have a healthy respect for the danger of the waves AND to know that what I am made of and capable of is vast and expansive and connected to All and to G-d. Every time I stray from knowing I am the ocean (forgetting my connection and being separated), I am in actuality feeling the individual currents that much more strongly and they seem larger and overwhelming to manage.

I shared what I am experiencing with a trusted friend in this meeting. I adore this man and he is intense and always has something right-on-the-mark to say. His response to me was this: "You need to adopt an attitude of gratitude. For EVERY single thing you have. Your breath. Your ability to walk. Every item in your home. That you can put your keys into a car and go places. When you take these things for granted, you will drift into a place of lack rather than a place of abundance." These words went straight in. Part of the "solution" is the fellowship. That each of us carries a message of strength and hope to another member. This is what was done for me tonight. A person for whom the problem had been solved laid the spiritual toolkit that is spoken of in this chapter right before my feet. All I have to do is pick it up and use it.

It's back to basics for me. One day at a time. Get on my knees morning and night. Talk to my sponsor. Make meetings. Practice these principles in all my affairs. If I can apply this to alcohol, I can apply this to the way I use money. Or any other of the "isms".

There is a solution.