Choosing Life

Triumph
Originally uploaded by Tomasito.!
Life, Life is around me
Let me sing
Hallelujah !
Life, Life is around me
Let me sing
Hallelujah !
~ Jason Shulman

In a session this morning with my Kabbalistic healer, I did a month-in-review with her, highlighting what I've been writing about and uncovering during this period. It is an incredible process to be able to look at a mere 30 days of healing and recovery work and to actually see progress. Not that it is the goal, at all; rather, that it suddenly appears ... like a welcome yet unexpected surprise.

One such treasure today was an understanding that I arrived at about my relationship with my mother. I realized that just the "act" of letting all the voices be heard in terms of the incompleted, unspoken expression of my younger selves about their feelings toward my mother -- was the healing. Period. There was no good reason or purpose after this in needing to tell my mother what a lousy job I thought she did in parenting me. It was not about her at all. This piece of work was about me and making room for those voices of my early years to have their say. Once they did, I no longer felt this "thing" that was getting in the way of wanting to connect with my mother. It melted, faded away.

My healer went on to explain that because I am now willing to be awake and present to what is here in my life, I am no longer splitting, needing to cut out someone or cut off feelings like I had done in my past. Just a month or so ago, I first became aware that I was cutting my mother out of my life. I didn't want to call her. I had discomfort in being around her. And, when I was around her, like at Thanksgiving, then my unpleasant feelings were cut off. Or, I retreated emotionally, which is another cutting off.

To allow everything to have a place, to exist is to no longer split and divide my life into compartments. It is, instead, about choosing life.
I can be disappointed AND understand. I can be hurt AND know I will survive. I can be frustrated AND be patient.

Choosing life is also about being right here, as my adult self. I am in reality as a 47 year old woman. I am not the fearful 9 year old or the rebellious 16 year old in my interactions. Giving each of these younger selves voices and attending to their wounding in my adult self is what enables me to keep showing up as an adult. This, to me, is miraculous. Particularly, when I acknowledged today that I have lived the greater portion of my life as a hurt and fearful and self-pitying kid who occupied an adult body.

To not choose life or reality or presence is to make a futile and illusory attempt at saving myself from hurt. There is no actual rescue that occurs, simply a bypass. A drive-by. An escape route.
And, to split off because I don't want to experience anything unpleasant or hurtful, is to miss out on healing, on love, on intimacy, on connection.

I can bear the realities of life, as they occur and unfold. I will not die as a result. No one or no feeling or no part of me has to be pushed out either. These are the rewards of choosing life. For me, there is no other choice.