Empty and Full

Blind distortion.
Originally uploaded by Bashed
Over this past weekend, I attended the 2nd part of 3 in the series of a Kabbalistic practice, Impersonal Movement. We were introduced to several additions to the practice, one such piece involves the "nesting" of opposites, which gives rise to a "3rd thing". A very concrete example offered in class was this: there are heads and there are tails and there is something that results which is neither heads nor tails but "coin-ness". This nesting of opposites is fascinating, powerful work. It is at the core of the healings we do involving the opposing branches, sefirot, on the Tree of Life.

Since returning from the retreat weekend, I have done the practice twice and have allowed myself to hold a set of opposites that seem to be the most concrete (which was suggested to us) representation of a current "theme" in my life. What's been coming up for me is centered around lack/abundance; deprivation/nourishment; safety/danger, even known/unknown.

The pair I've "nested" over the past 2 days is empty and full. The "feeling" that comes up as the 3rd thing is hard to describe in words. It is a sensation that is neither empty nor full, yet it has hollow solidity. Like a clay pot's firmness in its walls and the echo-ing space inside.

It is a bit too soon to discern what this means for me in the reality of my life as I am working with the issues of money and its origins in how deprivation and witholding has appeared (and still does) in many forms throughout my history.

What I am aware of in this moment is this: I am not feeling "starved" and I do not have a need to seek "stuffing" myself either. In the not-so-distant past, when I was deep in "financial lack", I deprived myself of food, rest, other forms of self-care. I saw the places of "missing and longing and not enough" show up in the way I've viewed my relationships with others and to the world. The seeking to feel "full" , on the other hand, could take the form of spending frivously, having a packed social calendar, being immersed in tons of projects simultaneously. Neither of those extremes are here or are calling to me. I am contented with enough and not seeking more out of fear.
I feel like there is relationship in this to another significant pair: connection/aloneness.  There is also an association here with abandonment/belonging.  It's swirling in the background, not yet ready to surface completely.   

Unlike the old addage, I am not half empty nor half full.

I am glass-ness, the container that holds both empty and full and is much more than that.