Tossing about contenment ...

Wishful Thinking
Originally uploaded by Leah Johnston

I went to a 1p AA meeting today, as I have an event I am attending tonight and would not be able to go to my usual Fri evening meeting.

The meeting is one that is every day except Sunday and the format changes daily. Friday is a Grapevine discussion. The chair person chose a reading called "Slow Boat to Serenity". One of the author's statements that brought up a great deal of discussion in the meeting was that he found the word "serenity" a bit boring and that the word which better suited him was "contentment". It implied a "state of mind" in ANY situation as opposed to an ideal state to strive for or to accomplish -- like serenity -- as part of AA work.

This reading was received with mixed reviews in the room. I must also say that we were quite a mixed lot ourselves. White businessmen, 2 women, several retired African-American men, and two very clearly mentally ill folks who I've seen at other meetings and who are often in and out for the free coffee and cookies, yet 1 of the 2 stayed for the entire meeting.

A couple people preferred the word serenity and felt like it was the more appropriate word because of the fact that the Serenity Prayer is a part of nearly every AA meeting (some meetings use "The Lord's Prayer instead). Some people compared serenity to meditating and could not relate to it, while others felt like contentment felt like "settling for" and implied some form of not striving. I took all of this in and am still tossing about my own ideas of what it is that holds meaning, that is descriptive of how I want to be in my life.

I love the "feel" and the "texture" of the word serenity. There is a calmness, a peacefulness when I sit with this word. It is a state of being that is blissful to me. Like being in the "eye of the hurricane" -- chaos and fury and force all around and being in the center at a place of quiet stillness.

Contentment, on the other hand, is often how I feel in the reality of my life these days. It is not necessarily a "neutral" place, yet it is a place of no-drama. It feels like acceptance of life as it is. And here's where things begin to unravel a bit for me: there's an aspect of "contentment" that, for me, also feels like a "settling for" without striving. There are times when I want more than to just be content; in fact, there are a LOT of times when I don't want to be just content. Is this selfish? Is this not being accepting of where I am ? OR Is this desire? Is this passion ? Is this my inner fire ?

I want to find the balance of having serenity or contentment about the circumstances, whatever they are, of my life AND to also feel the spark of my aliveness that has me explore, finds me curious, allows me to dream and wish and to manifest. Perhaps this is a beautiful dilemma that I can bring into my Impersonal Movement practice -- yet it's not necessarily about contentment/discontentment. It feels more like no movement/movement. And the understanding that both are needed.

My current relationship is a prime example of this struggle. Of the last few months, there is both "no movement" in the relationship itself AND "movement" -- tremendous as a matter of fact -- of our individual selves in our individual healing paths. The no-movement of the relationship has been necessary for the movement of our individual healing journeys. One cannot exist without the other. And then, enters in my ego, my self will perhaps about contentment versus desire/longing/aliveness. My life here, alone, is content as it is. When I am in the physical presence of my love, I get to see what "more" there is possible than just "life as it is here". And then we return to our separate homes and lives, and it is back to sitting with contentment. And I don't sit well or still. I want MORE !!!!! My inner kid is stomping her feet ! So my wrestling is about finding the place of contentment in the no-movement AND in the individual movement AND in the desire/longing for more. All of these pieces are here.

"Versus" sends me straight into all-or-nothing thinking. This is when splitting happens. And then it's either THIS versus THAT.

This AND that AND this ... wow, the spaciousness and room !

Just having that awareness brings me serenity. Ahhhhhhhhh.