Entering Twenty Ten ...

Big Sur California
Originally uploaded by Stephen Oachs
I have had a myriad of associations with the start of  New Years across the span of my lifetime.

As a young person, it was one of the few times that I spent with my mother and my sister at home. My father would be in the livingroom getting shit-faced and cursing out any of the various New Yr's Eve countdown specials on TV , and we'd be at the kitchen table playing Yahtzee or Scrabble until the ball dropped. My mother would make a plate of cheese, ring bologna (a very PA Dutch thing), chips and pretzels and it was also one of the few nights we could stay up late and drink soda, which she often forbid. There was something bittersweet about having this time with our mother, yet it was so separate and isolated from my father. By the time we'd go into the livingroom to watch the ball drop, he'd be passed out on his recliner chair.

As I got to the age where I began to experiment with alcohol and then all through my alcoholic years, New Year's Eve was a night to drink all kinds of things and then not remember anything. I was doing exactly what my father did, but out with other people for public display rather than in the privacy of my livingroom. To some extent, he actually had more dignity about his alcoholic behavior than I did.

After I stopped drinking, New Yr's Eve became a night where I felt rather indifferent. I didn't necessarily want to be around a partying crowd, but I didn't want to be alone. My first several New Yr's Eve's into my sobriety, I was at parties and felt awkward and out of place. Then, I was with my former partner. Many New Yr's Eve's were spent seeing friends who are musicians playing at gay bars. Again, an uncomfortable place and I went out of obligation. It never felt quite right on the inside of me. The last few years with my partner, I honestly cannot remember what I did on New Yr's Eve and perhaps I have blocked those memories out because it was likely she was quite drunk.

After leaving my partner, I spent my first New Yr's Eve at a restaurant hearing those very same musician friends play. There was still alcohol around and while I was sitting with some folks that didn't drink to get drunk, there was still a sense of "out-of-placeness". The following year I was in Northampton, Mass and went to a lesbian comedy show on New Yr's Eve with someone I was dating. She spent the entire night checking out the other women and commenting about them. I was aware that this was not a healthy relationship for me and I still didn't want to be alone. It was a miserable time because I was not being true to myself. Last year, I spent my New Yr's Eve, the afternoon and early evening portion of it, with the love of my life. She had to work and I hung out at her office with her. It was cozy and intimate and we ate homemade soup. And then I drove back and arrived at the place I was housesitting just in time to see the ball drop. This was a much improved holiday and yet, it was not in full truth. We could not be together to see the entry of the New Year because of the circumstances of our relationship and not having complete freedom.

This New Yr's Eve, was completely different. And it is movement toward being more fully, living in my truth. I spent a quiet day for myself, reading and walking the dog and cooking for a potluck dinner that I would attend at night. I saw a client of mine and we had a lovely, connected session. I went to my favorite women's AA meeting and it was very well attended. There was such a feeling in that space of being in partnership with others who were committed to their sobriety. No one was in a hurry to leave, despite it being New Yr's Eve, and there was great conversation afterwards. As I drove to the potluck dinner at a friends, I had a beautiful conversation with the love of my life. While we could not be together on this holiday, we will see one another over the weekend. Each of us is honoring space that is associated with living more in truth and in freedom. There has been incredible, deep connection in the separation. The New Yr's Eve conversation involved her sharing segments of a book she bought of someone who has inspired her. I listened intently and was equally moved. I shared with her that I could have just sat on the bed with her and listened while she read and then talked well into the night about what touched each of us.

When I got to the potluck dinner, I was already aware that I would not stay for the entire time. My heart simply was not there. I shared this with my friend soon after I arrived because I wanted to be honest. I also expressed my gratitude for being invited. She appreciated that I could share these things with her and totally understood. Just having that conversation created tremendous freedom and expanded my capacity to stay longer than planned, because I had now had that much more room to decide how long and what was right for me. Around 11:15, I made the decision that it was time to go. While people were drinking a bit more wine at this time, I was not "running" from this reality; instead, I was listening to my inner voice and the pull toward honoring the way I wanted to enter the new year. I wanted to be at home, quietly, with my dog. And that is exactly what I did. Before midnight, I spoke with G-d and expressed my gratefulness for what the year has brought and taught me. For the gift of recovery. And for healing. For my genuine, loving relationships and my ability to show up. For having many fears lifted. For being awake to my defects of character and wanting them to be removed. For the deep experience of love in its many forms.

At the stroke of midnight, I smiled as I heard the pots and pans and fireworks going off in my neighborhood because I could enjoy them from the cozy warmth of my bed. The smile that was embedded even more deeply in my being was an even wider one, because I knew for the first New Year's Eve ever that I was doing exactly what was right for me, in my truth. No awkwardness or apologies.

This is how I wanted to enter twenty ten. I can feel already, regardless of external circumstances, this is going to be a very good year.