Freeing from the trance of fear ...

84/365 - Eye am staring at you
Originally uploaded by vanessalovee.
I've gotten free of that
ignorant fist that was
pinching and
twisting
my secret self.
The Universe
and the light
of the stars
come through me.
I am the crescent moon
put up over the gate
to the festival.
~ Rumi


I have had the gift today to finish appointments on the early end, allowing me time to pause before going to my Big Book meeting tonight. Before having dinner, I sat and listened to another podcast of Tara Brach: "Freedom in the midst of fear". She spoke to me, to my innermost self, in this powerful lecture. Every word resonated with me.

She spoke about all of the stages that occur when we enter the trance of fear. The first being the contracting our body does in anticipation. The tensing may be so habitual, that we just think that's how our body feels. For as long as I can remember, I have had  a stiff neck. It always hurts. I get some relief when I get a massage or when I swim and then it returns to its state of tightness. I would venture to guess that this is a place in me that regularly houses fear.

She spoke about how anytime when we enter this place of sensing our lone self -- "I am here" -- and then perceive our separation from others, the Universe, G-d -- that this is at the core of our fear. It is about uncertainty, the unknown, the fact of impermanence. Ohhh, did that strike such a chord deep inside of me. I have lived in this place of fear for as long as I can remember. And it really is just recently that I have begun to face this fear head-on, which, interestingly enough, has brought me more into relationship with
G-d.

She spoke of how the next stage is our stories, our thoughts that get spun out of control the more fearful we are. Nailed it, for me. I have written entire novels of suspense and terror in that head of mine. Which usually NEVER come to fruition ! And, from here, she says that we seek refuge and safety in things outside of ourselves (sounds like Yesod territory in Kabbalistic terms). This refuge can be in religion, in addiction, in other people, in busying, in anything that keeps us in a trance, numb to the reality of life and paralyzed by fear.
I have walked many steps in this trance, a zombie to my life. This shaped my entire identity: "Woe is me". This victim-self was ruled by fear. Everyone, everything was either unfair, did not meet me, did not see me, did not value me or was downright mean. To live in this place is to wallow in suffering.

After the tensing, the thoughts, and seeking shelter from fear, comes the emotional acting out. This takes all kinds of forms: jealousy, anger, resentment, defensiveness, saying unkind things, dishonesty, projection, blaming. It is incredible to me that probably every blog entry for my 1st few months of writing had to do with one or more of these states.

I am so aware in this moment that all of these fear-driven emotional behaviors were under the guise of protection for me. In my session with my healer just last week, she commented about my shift from the fear-based place in this way: "We defend, until we don't". This statement makes so much sense in this context. As I heal these fearful places in me, there is no longer a need to protect, therefore to not defend. The guard at the gates of the concrete walls I constructed around my heart is no longer on duty. The walls have crumbled into vulnerable piles of rubble. This softening, this compassion toward myself is what ultimately frees me from the trance of fear.

To be fearless, I am also understanding, is not free of fear but rather it is the awareness of something much bigger than me that holds me and assures me that I am always ok. This is my faith in
G-d, what happens when I turn my will over to this higher power in my life, when I genuinely trust the unfolding of the reality of my life. I want to be in my life - fully awake to it - even when it hurts or is uncomfortable or feels disappointing. The courage, I realize, is in feeling these things, really allowing them to exist -- which is the movement and direction I've been going in and writing about for the past 2 months or so. This feels celebratory -- like the last lines of the Rumi poem above: " I am the crescent moon put up over the gate to the festival" ... shining my light, not cowardly hiding in the shadows, consumed by the fear of the dark.

Freeing from the trance of fear allows me to not lose sight of who I am, the mystery of who I am, my longing for wholeness as I am.

When I am not bound by my fear, I get to be an active participant in life. I can know what peace and serenity feel like. I am a connected friend. I am a present teacher. I am an intimate, passionate lover.

And I'll end,  as I began,  with Rumi and his poignant words :

Move outside the tangle
of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.
Move down
and down,
in always widening rings
of being.