Turning arrows into petals ...

Lotus Flower - IMGP7600
Originally uploaded by Bahman Farzad

How did the rose ever
open its heart
to give to this world
all its beauty?
It felt the
encouragement of
light against its
being
otherwise we all
remain
too frightened.
~ Hafiz

On the way to have lunch with my mother today, I listened to Tara Brach. Her talk was the second part of the Trance of Fear, with an emphasis on how to take true refuge, leaning into the fear. The core of Buddhist teachings is that “Suffering is optional” and that awareness and attention is the antidote. The key piece of her lecture was that all that was needed to take true refuge was simply to wake up and be present to our fear.

“When resistance is gone, so are the demons.” She tells of a well-known myth about the Buddha who sat with his greatest fear, in the form of an evil presence. It was said that the Buddha had arrows and rocks and other things thrown at him in an attack and still he remained. And that in the staying, the arrows turned to petals and he was found under the infamous Bodhi tree, covered in luscious flowers. The “teaching” in this parable is that to sit with our greatest fear, which is often perceived and not based in reality, is to recognize it, invite it in, and a tremendous softening happens. This is what brings us to acceptance and ultimately, where love conquers.

This talk today has helped me deepen my awareness and tenderness for myself as I have been walking the path coming face-to-face with some of my greatest fears. One that I had not written about at length has to do with my current relationship. And how the fear of loss and abandonment had kept both myself and my partner hostage. And I became aware today how I also created another false refuge in the illusory security of this place of anticipating and waiting. And how, when I have allowed myself more spontaneity to be in the flow and in the stream of my life, it is no longer about “waiting for her”, but rather it is just a “being here” and trusting that if our relationship is meant to be, then it will happen in this “being here”, moment by moment, and not in the place of waiting. There is incredible roominess and spaciousness in saying this aloud here on the page. And, delving underneath the surface of this and really being with the fear that had existed for me previously about this relationship, it came down to these basic things: “I cannot bear the hurt of loving and losing”; “What if I she does not want this/can't do this?” and “ Will I be able to live without her?” To understand the trappings of this kind of fear is so powerful because it allows me to really lean into the fear and also know that I am not bound or imprisoned by it. I am free to love fully and often and deeply in each moment. To be fearless in love is to know that these fears exist, not just for me but for many people, and that I will choose to love anyway. It brings me to a place of feeling absolute compassion – for myself, for my partner and the humanity of all those who have ever loved in this way or perhaps were too afraid to take the risk because of these very fears.

An exercise that Tara had her audience do on this talk, which I actually did in the car, was to pose the question to your fear: "What do you want from me?" And then place your hand on your heart and let the fear know that you accept that it is here. I wept during this exercise ... from the sheer tenderness that arose. My fear simply wants me to let it have a place, to not push it away as I always have in the past. Tara spoke about how those of us that are willing to do work with our fears are actually learning "spiritual re-parenting" and I thought about how the concept of "mothering" has been so up for me and how doing this with my little one and my rebellious one has really put me in direct contact with the fears that originated at these ages.

This piece of work today has been so incredibly healing and touching. I feel so much more in life today than I did the day before. It brought me into more intimate connection with my mom and my sister and my niece at lunch today, with an incredibly powerful discussion that ensued about my father, his passing and other pieces that each of us held that were never shared. And my niece got to see these generations of women who came before her engaged in a painful topic, talking openly and courageously. And when I got home, there was a message from my niece on my Facebook page to simply tell me that she loves me. The truth that comes with connection so outweighs that of hiding because of fear.

A day like today is a reminder of the rewards of just showing up in my life. Of working a program of recovery, as cited in The Promises. Of continuing to want to pursue wholeness and being in truth and in life. Of turning arrows into petals...