Saturday, January 16, 2010

Saying YES to what is here ...


A seat with a view
Originally uploaded by playzwifstonz

Today was the mildest winter day we've had in quite awhile. I took my dog for a really long walk this afternoon. I decided to take my camera, just in case there was something that caught my eye. The pic posted here was an actual sight, not staged, along an alleyway that we traveled down. The chair was quite worn, yet appeared as though, perhaps, someone nearby might actually sit in it from time to time. From outward appearances, it is an odd place for a chair. It was clearly not something that was to be discarded, as it was situated far off the road, away from where people put things for the trash truck to pick up.

As I continued to walk with my dog, I thought more about that chair and who occupied it and what did they think about and when did they sit there and what did they like to view. As I was in this stream of thinking, I was brought back to the podcast I listened to the night before by Tara Brach. It was about JOY. Her definition was one that I really took in, as it was not what we most typically think of or have been conditioned to believe about joy. Joy does not equate to happiness. Rather, joy includes happiness and it also includes sorrow and gratitude and pain and a host of other emotions. Joy, she says, is a feeling state of being REAL and saying YES to what is here. To do this, awakens and opens and widens our heart to life.

So ... back to the chair. Anyone walking by this would probably regard it as junk, something that was put there because the owner was too lazy. I returned to the definition of joy and put that chair along the alleyway in a different light. To sit there, metaphorically, is to be both real and to say YES to what is here. The chair is open to anyone who wants to take a rest or to contemplate or to ponder something in the sparce woods that surrounds it. Walking by the chair and simply saying YES to it, its presence, no longer finds me judging its being there or its worn out condition.   Playing this out in my "real" life,  when I am present to what is in my life, without judging it and just allowing it to be there,  then I make room for joy.  This made me very aware of how often judgments come up in my head about my actions or it's not ok to feel this or have this fear or anything related to my imperfections and when I am in this tornado of self-criticism,  then I do not make any room for joy.    And maybe that is why I took the photo in the first place ... I was drawn to it. And the more I look at the photo as I type, the more joyful I feel about having the experience of witnessing it and capturing it in a picture.

And I have thought more about this and the idea of realness and saying YES to what is here as the day went on. The exercise from the podcast was to sit still, close our eyes, and literally say YES to every single thought, emotion, situation that is here for each of us.
I decided to do that this evening after being inspired by the chair experience. The things I can recall that I said YES to, include:
- sitting alone on a Saturday night
- enjoying an incredible piece of salmon and a great salad for dinner
- a minor toothache
- neck pain from swimming today
- longing to hear the voice of my love
- work that still needs to be done on curricula
- the adorableness of my dog as she holds her bone in her paws
- the uncertainty of my future
- sadness about the tragedy in Haiti and hearing the pain in my AA friend's voice as she shared today about her father going there as part of a rescue mission
- hanging up a fairie over my bed that was given to me by students from my summer course who I had lunch with today

When I finished saying YES to all of these things, any anxiety that had been there or tightness or tension had dissipated quite a bit. And I did feel an expansiveness around my heart. It is very powerful to say YES to everything that is here. It brings me back to the AA passage on acceptance. And living life on life's terms.

When I don't say YES to what is here, to my life, then I am trying to take my will back. Which reminds me of this great demonstration that was part of a guy's share last night at a new AA meeting I attended. We read Step 3 and then the floor was open for discussion. This guy next to me stands up and puts his hand up for all of us to see that it is a tightly clenched fist. He says: "This is what taking your will back looks like and there's no room in here for anything to be received" And then, he stretches his arm out, opening his hand widely and raising it up and says: "This is what it looks like when you turn your will over to God. You are letting him know that you are open to receiving anything and everything that is here".

Who knew that I could find my joy today from simply opening my hand to G-d ? Or from a seemingly discarded worn-out chair in the woods ?

YES !

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