Pointed in the right direction ...

Orange Weather Vanes
Originally uploaded by Java Cafe

I cannot say this enough: when I am open to guidance and trust my inner compass, with G-d as the pointer, I always get exactly what I need.

Tonight, I arrived relatively early to my Tue night AA meeting. As a result, I was asked to read The Promises. It's my favorite reading and not all meetings do it and at my Tue night meeting, getting to read this is highly coveted and it's usually given to someone who arrives early ! When handed this document, what jumped out at me in BOLD print at top was this: 9th Step Promises. Number 9. I forgot that the Promises are part of Step 9. Today's date: 1/26 --
1+2+6=9 It is a 9 day. I am brought back to the message carried to me about this number and I sit up straighter and come to attention.

The last Tue of each month is a speaker meeting. Tonight's speaker is someone I know quite well and whose story I heard just once before, in the very early part of returning to the rooms, so I didn't remember much of it. He is someone who has a big presence and has been around for quite some time. He is very well respected and I always am drawn to what he shares.

Now here's the juicy part and why I completely understand that I needed to be here, at this time in my life, and hear his message:
his story is centered around dishonesty and not just any old run-of-the-mill lying or bullshitting -- dishonesty in relationship to money.
The difference between he and I, however, is that he came from tremendous wealth. He spoke about the message he grew up with about money: "Money is freedom and money solves everything."
I had utter chills to hear this guy talking about his messages about money after having done this piece of work so recently.

And, because money was free flowing and bought his way to anything and everything, he never learned how to have relationships to anything else. Money got him lots of stuff and he spoke of his deep emptiness and loneliness in spite of all the dough. His mother was the alcoholic in the family and the one who inherited the great wealth from her family. His father left when he was only a year old. He watched his mother disappear into her bedroom each night with a bottle of Scotch and the empty one would be outside of her door in the morning for the maid to dispose of. He was basically raised by the servants in the home.

By the time he reached college, he discovered booze and took to it fast and furiously, having been pre-disposed most likely genetically.
Soon after, he got into serious drugs and went into a steady spiral downhill. Before long, the money was beginning to dwindle. And this gets worse during his first decade of sobriety and this is what really hits home for me. He spoke about the griphold of dishonesty even after he put down the drink and how this further infected his unhealthy relationship with money. In this first decade of not drinking, he too showed up at meetings late and left early. He was simply doing the motions but not taking the actual steps. He experienced bankruptcy not once but twice during this period. He spoke of all the ways he juggled bills, dodged collectors and lied to creditors. And at the 10 year mark of his 24 year total years of sobriety thus far, he had to work a "real" program, focused on his dishonest relationship with money. I felt such a kinship to him as he spoke and a softening around my heart toward myself.

He identified some of the underlying conditions that I could relate to regarding his issues with money and the overall connection to his alcoholism. One condition was rigidity -- all-or-nothing thinking (how I related to this was what I've written about in terms of either experiencing a total sense of abundance or a total sense of lack/scarcity, not leaving room for "grey" which he also spoke about). Another condition was perfection and having the appearance of always being right, always in the know. Believing I needed to be perfect or right (or at least have the appearance) would then find me hiding and being dishonest about finances, if I was struggling, because to reveal this would be letting you see my imperfections, how I was "wrong", how I was irresponsible. The facade of "confidence" and being able to be independent and take care of things runs deep into my story. Lastly, he spoke about how money was no longer the "thing" that could save him, keep him at a particular "status", literally buy the illusion of happiness. Money, like the bottle, had to be given its place and he had to admit his powerlessness over it. Amen, brother. I was practically weeping in sheer relief of hearing someone who has walked this path before me and that I was absolutely not alone.

And then, just when I think the serendipity can't be any more profound ... nearly 8 other people from this favorite Tue night meeting of mine shared their own personal struggles with money that has gone hand-in-hand with their alcoholism. Several spoke of Debtors' Anonymous. Others spoke of seeking credit counseling. Still others spoke about how the Steps and principles of the AA program apply to money just as readily as they do to alcohol. Now, the tears are streaming down my face.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears. I had a whole financial faculty in this room.

I am filled with gratitude and hope tonight, having been pointed in the right direction ...