A womb with a view ...

Igloo Dusk
Originally uploaded by pommysheilah

I have had a full day, with many distractions, to let the dust settle on this morning's archeological dig into my interior.

What shed the most light onto the subject of unforgiveness of my abortion at age 21 was a profound experience that occurred during my Impersonal Movement Healing Practice group this afternoon. In the midst of my practice, feeling the solidity in the core of my body, I did not experience the usual "rocking" movement that happens when feeling the "currents" of the space. Instead, I felt a looming yet comforting presence of a being larger than is physically measurable in the space. In this moment, everything slowed down to the point that I had a fleeting thought that my heart had possibly stopped beating. It was like molasses dripping. I then felt myself leaning into a pulse, a kingsize heartbeat if you will, faint at first and then a more resounding and rhythmic thump. Like the bass on a stereo system in someone's car when you are in close proximity. Once my anxiety about this faded, I wanted to remain here all day, not wanting to end the practice.

It was not until much later, on my drive back from cooking dinner with old friends this evening, that this experience I described in my practice revealed more information. I felt like what happened today was the closest experience I would ever have in my conscious, adult life to being in the womb. And that to have this be so vivid and visceral was to enable me to have a view and a kinesthetic experience of what an unborn child might have. And, to take this one step further, this experience today was both personal and quite impersonal. It was like being in the womb of the Infinite Mother. To feel the connection to every fetus who has not yet been born and who has already been birthed and who never arrived here on the earth plane. It was also a deeply felt experience of bonding to a mother's chest, feeling and hearing her heartbeat -- those very experiences that I did not have when I was given away for adoption. And which I could not bear to offer to the tiny fetus that grew inside of me, which had to be literally "cut out". This experience gave me the feeling of "mother" and of "being mothered" all at the same time. This was a true "Forgetting-Remembering" of a very different variety.

And the pangs and tightening in my chest from this morning are no longer here. There isn't any old shame or guilt lingering either. There is an ease and a calm and a peace. I feel cleansed. I feel something has been released. I was given the opportunity today for deep healing in my practice, which brought me to a place of even deeper forgiveness.

And I have the spirit of Mary Magdalene to thank for the gift of her presence and guidance in my card deck today ...